Coaching
Friday, November 23rd, 2012
Sweet Darkness
When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.
There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb
tonight.
The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
- David Whyte (House of Belonging) Many Rivers Press 1998
Poetic Inquiry
1. How did this poem make you feel when you read it?
2. What line reached out to you?
3. What themes does this remind you of in your work as a coach?
4. When have you come through a dark or difficult time in your own life?
5, What were the gifts on the other side?
6. Who or what is too small for you in your life right now?
7. Who in your life makes you feel alive?
8. What activities bring you to life? Feel right? Feel energizing?
9. What activities deaden you?
10. What relationships no longer have the right energy or connection for you?
11. What can you see beyond the horizon?
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Friday, November 23rd, 2012
Photograph Winning Words www.winningwordspoetry.com
Every Friday to kick start your weekend we’ll post a poem on one or all three of the blogs.
There’s a poem for every ailment. We can write our own poems to distill our experiences or feelings or we can use the medicine and wisdom from other people’s poems to understand ourselves, and our worlds better. In the poetry world this technique is known as a poetry prescription. When I read other people’s poems they help me to better articulate and feel my emotions. I find myself in a relationship with the poet and a realization that I am not alone with what I experience on a day-to-day basis. Have you noticed how some poets find just the right words to describe particular events and life experiences from the large to the small?
More and more I’m noticing how poems stop me in my track. Causing me to pause and allow the words to sink in a more conscious and mindful manner. I like that about poetry. Reading poetry and engaging with a poem is an act of mindfulness, which brings health and emotional benefits to the reader.
Phyllis Klein and Perie Longo writing in an article, The Therapeutic Benefits of Poetry (2006) describes how a poem makes us feel safe because, “a poem has a border, a frame, or structure, as opposed to prose, the form itself is a safety net. Strong emotions will not run off the page.”
Lately I’ve been more courageous in writing poems of my own. When I do I am surprised by how accurately the poem both captures and mirrors my emotions and raw feelings.
Here at www.jackeeholder.com we’re experimenting with Poetic Inquiry. At the end of each poem you‘ll find a list of prompts should you wish to delve more deeply into the poem and explore its meaning and how the poem relates to you. When poetry therapists work with groups and individuals they’ll ask the group which lines resonate with them or what themes they’re drawn to. We hope the prompts offer you some of that exploration if you wish to reflect further. We’d love to know which poems speak to you or even post one of your poems as one of our Friday Poetry Prescription blogs.
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Thursday, November 22nd, 2012
Recently I completed coaching with a client whom I have worked with for over three years. Our journey together has been a rich and deep inquiry into his leadership and personal strengths. We covered much ground and I watched as he inhabited more of his ground to stand on, spoke in his own voice and became confident and sure about sharing his own thoughts. I noticed the joy and energy I always felt when I knew it was time to get ready for a coaching session with this client and reflected frequently in my notes how our journeys mirrored each other and how sometimes I would go away with an inquiry of my own. Coaching is a two way process. Both coach and coachee should be in a learning environment.
Our ending took place over three or more sessions as we began the process of wrapping up our work together. This felt right, to consciously declare the learning and growth that had taken place over the course of the three years and not bottle it up in one single session. We gave time to honour the width and breath of the journey acknowledging the skills that had become a part of their personality, recognising the challenges that had been overcome. I found with this particular client that my skills as a listener always formed an important part of our work together. In fact when I reflected on each of our sessions this is what I appeared to do well, really well and was a quality my client always fed back to me.
There were times when I questioned the value of my listening. Was this really enough in my work as a coach and mentor. Was my presence, my ability to be there, fully present and open, not trying to fix, was that enough? Of course the question was more for me than for my client. For underneath the question was the fundamental search many coaches ask of themselves – “Am I enough?” It is a question that never leaves me. It is what keeps me alive in the coaching relationship which for me is as much about my evolution and growth as it is about the other. One of my wise Supervision tutors, Miriam Orriss on my Supervision training programme would say, “Who you are is how you coach.” Funny that because as my personal tutor during my time on the programme I felt enormously seen and held by her in a way that was not motherly, in fact many times challenging but with great humility and compassion. I still feel some of the actual sensations in my bones from some of the shifts I made in my work with her. But at the centre, at the core of our supervision was the fact that I felt a deep compassion and respect coming from her that grounded our work profoundly.
So I guess what I am finding is that listening is more than sitting there, ears twitching, listening out for the music behind the words. It has layers and layers of qualities that we bring that allow our clients to be held and seen. Every time I work with an individual we have an opportunity to share these great gifts with each other.
I maybe rambling a bit now, a signal that it is time to wrap up this post. What I thought I was going to write about, endings in this post was not really where I ended up. A pattern often reflected in many of the coaching conversations I have during my week. I often remind coaches in training that the presenting issue is not always the main issue. I am learning that this is also true for the writing process as well. A reminder that the writing when we relax and trust will take you were it is meant to go to the heart of what matters, what is meaningful to you.
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Wednesday, November 21st, 2012
Last year on my way to visit a friend ill in hospital I walked past the two statues in the above image. I was anxious about my visit but seeing the two statues caused me to stop and slow down. I was really taken in by so much of the installation that a few minutes went by without me even noticing how long I had stood there or the stream of people who passed me by. . In that moment I slowed right down and got lost in the moment. I became more present in my body and entered the hospital in a more relaxed and resourceful state to spend time with my friend.
I had a similar feeling last week on my way to a funeral. Walking along Dalston High Street in London at lunch time with busy traffic and pedestrians I glimpsed an artist at work across the street painting what looked like a watercolour. Again the scene caused me to stop and slow right down. He had leaned his easel up against a lamp post closest to the road side and despite the busy traffic roaring by he appeared fully immersed in his painting. I wanted to be him. I wanted to be the painting. He was what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi describes as being in his flow. When was the last time you lost track of time and found yourself engrossed in an activity that was going against the speed of everyone else around you? It can be a challenge to be the odd one out. To go at a different speed than everyone else is moving at.
Sometimes when I’m travelling in early morning London rush hour traffic I notice that when I move at a slower speed to those around me people tend to barge past me or literally move me out of the way. It can be hard to find our own rhythm and speed when the rest of the world is going so fast. When was the last time you lost track of time because of your absorption in an activity? Slow is good. Fast doesn’t always mean better. How many people walked past those statues everyday and never give them a second thought? I hate to think how much we miss in our crusade for speed and getting there quick.
Really pausing and taking in these two images allowed me to connect with the strength and resilience I felt when observing the pieces. I was able to take those qualities with me when I finally entered the hospital to spend time with my friend.
You can use images around you as writing prompts and ideas for your creativity. that’s why I love having a camera on my phone so I can capture images and scenes and then store them for later inspiration. Taking out the image today has reminded me of my friend and how much strength she showed in the final months of her time with us. It was a strength made up of so many different qualities and elements. The image is a timely reminder, a visual signpost for me to begin to piece together some of the painful feelings I still feel around her death and her leaving us at what felt like so prematurely.
Todays image as a visual writing prompt t entice you onto the page. All you have to do is to free write for 10 minutes whatever thoughts or feelings come to you from exploring the image and responding to the following prompts? You don’t have to stick with the prompts. Just write what comes.
When you look at the image how does it make you feel?
What or who does it remind you of?
Who are the two people holding hands?
What story or memory does the image evoke?
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Wednesday, November 21st, 2012
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Wednesday, November 21st, 2012
Where do you pause for 5 minutes or more in your day? Research shows that multi tasking is no longer the most effective way of being productive. Robert Holden author of the book Success Intelligence believes that, “Leaders are not just paid to be busy. They are paid to think.” Really? What do you think about Holden’s statement? How high is thinking and reflective on your day to day agenda?
Reflective practice is a requirement of all great coaches and requires a real commitment to engaging with reflective practice actively. Executive Coaches and psychologists Maria Gilbert and Michael Carroll describe the actual word reflection as, “coming from a Latin root meaning to bend back, to stand apart from, to stand outside of”. Reflection helps us to gain new perspectives on what we have done.
Consider the last time you took a lunch break? or the last time you scheduled time in your diary to sit or walk with the conscious intention to do some actual thinking about a project. Or perhaps just having the space to not think and give your mind time to rest is what is most needed.
There’s a reason why tea and lunch breaks were built into the working day. The brain needs downtime especially in this time of information overload. Last year I had a mini relapse following a friends death and started smoking after twenty years of being a non- smoker. Even though I knew it wasn’t good for me the thing I most enjoyed about smoking was the thinking space going outside for a cigarette gave me. I used to joke with my friends that smoking is the way some people meditate. Think about it, take away the cigar or cigarette and what we have are two similar activities involving a conscious inhale and exhale of the breath.
Thankfully I was able to drop the habit very soon after I started but I’ve noticed just how much more thinking and qualitative time I now give myself during my day. Sometimes when working from home I catch my partner looking at me as if to say how comes you’re not sitting at your desk looking overwhelmed and stressed out. At the same time I know from my work as a coach how difficult it can be in organisations to stand your ground, to consciously pause, to relax at your desk and to do the unthinkable and take a break. But consider how can you not afford to.
Whether it’s going off for a cup of tea, taking a 10 minute walk outside or listening to a soothing piece of music on your ipod or iphone there are plenty of ways you can creatively build pause into your day. On our coach training programmes we encourage our coaches to develop space before and after all coaching or mentoring sessions. Coaches are given guidance about how to prepare for the session and how to download and enter into a restorative space after the session. Pausing, taking a few deep breaths, taking a few stretches or writing in their reflective journals are some of the small ways coaches are building pause into their practice.
We emphasise how important taking care of the self is to their success and meaning as coaches. the same applies to all individuals and leaders in organisation. Pausing is a way of filling ourselves back up, restoring our energy and creating that priceless resource of thinking time which so easily connects us to the wonders of the creative and imaginative mind.
Consider how you will create more pauses in your day and what benefit this will give to you, your work or coaching clients and your organisation.
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Tuesday, November 20th, 2012
The idea of asking questions of the client is the cornerstone of coaching. But I wonder how often we (I’m talking primarily about us coaches, those in the helping professions) are willing to turn the tables on ourselves and ask ourselves the kinds of questions that would lift us off our feet and very often out of our very lives, careers, relationships, friendship and return us not quite the same person. I imagine many of us including myself spend our time ducking and diving, dodging the kind of questions that aims for the heart and right to the jugular of what really matters. Ontological coach Julio Olalla reminds us that, “We are full of answers to questions we never ask.”
Inspired by the poem, ‘Sometimes’ by David Whyte and an article he wrote for a magazine – Questions that have no right to go away – here are 10 questions of my own you can make time in your week to begin to discover the answers.
1. How well do I really know and appreciate myself?
2. How well do I really know, love and respect my partner?
3. What difficult or uncomfortable conversations do I need to have with others? Name names.
4. What habits or actions do I regularly engage in that are costing me dearly? What are the costs?
5. Do I really know how other people experience me? How could I find out? Who would I not want to ask? Add that person immediately to the list.
6. How much of who I am do I bring to my conversations with others? Guess a percentage. Where’s the rest of the percentage? What are they getting up to?
7. Where have I been wrong and whom do I need to say sorry to? Again name names.
8. If I gave it my heart and your soul what would I be doing with my life that is different to what I do now?
9. If I allow myself sometime during this week to sit with silence what will I hear in the quiet of my own company?
10. What really brings me alive? More on this question in a later post this week.
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Monday, November 19th, 2012
How Much Quiet Do You Get In Your Day? Seriously I want to set you a challenge right now. For the next twenty-four hours record how many minutes of quiet you get to engage and be with in one through the course of one whole day? I guess most people would not get past 15 minutes of quiet or silence in any given day. Why is that? What keeps us away from silence? What are we afraid of? What will we find in the silence? Cultural anthropologist and educator Angeles Arrien writes, “Where did you grow uncomfortable with the sweet territory of silence?”
I pose you the same question. When was the last time you experienced silence or quiet, which you consciously savoured or enjoyed? Perhaps this is why the other day I sat in a state of bliss and flow, writing and creating in the Georgian Café in Clapham South. I suddenly looked up and realized that one of the reasons for my comfort and flow was the absence of loud music playing in the background. The only sounds came from the orders being placed by walk in customers and the faint hum of conversations from the people eating breakfast and the jangle of china teacups and wares as the staff went to and fro. I felt at home amongst the quiet. I could hear myself think. It was great to allow my thoughts to free associate without having to battle against the loud music you’ll often find blasting out in café’s and restaurants.
I think I am going to write to Siobhan Wall author of Quiet London and suggest that she adds the café to her compilation of quiet cafes and eating places in London in a new edition. Quiet London is a guide to interesting, attractive and quiet places to meet, drink, eat, swim, rest, shop, sleep or read. It includes short descriptions, travel and contact details and simple but atmospheric photographs
http://quietplacestosit.blogspot.co.uk/
You might also like to check out the book Quiet by Susan Cain. You’ll learn a lot backed up by research about what introverts bring to the table and what value quiet brings to our lives both personal and at work. I devoured the book on a flight from Boston to UK. It’s a hefty book but well worth staying with.
www.thepowerofintroverts.com
Watch Susan’s TED talk The Power Of Introverts: http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
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Wednesday, August 15th, 2012
Yesterday I read a great post by Mary Jaksch of Write to Done and A-List Blogging about two approaches to getting things done. She made a great video which explained her thinking. It was a view I had long held myself but had just never bothered to put down on paper. I suppose the instant hit I got from reading her post and watching the video was that great ideas are given to many but only a few choose to do something with those ideas – just like me.
As I watched and listened to Mary explaining the two approaches I could clearly see the approach that I tend to use in my work as a coach trainer and writer. I am predominantly the tortoise. My approach is simple, small, slow and steady. That’s the way I seem to get most things done – even if it takes longer than I would personally like it to.
Recently, I watched as a friend wrote her first book in 90 days. She created a brilliant marketing plan, put it speedily into action, got great reviews and media coverage and did I mention she managed to scoop an interview on Women’s Hour? It’s really hard to get onto Women’s Hour so to get this as one of her first media interviews was indeed something. Every time I go online she has a new video or social media post. She’s a great example of the hare. She does things quick and fast and doesn’t miss a trick.
I, on the other hand had a seven year hiatus between writing my first and second book, a more respectable gap of three years between my second and third book. On Twitter I have fewer than 500 followers and follow under 500 people. I feel less like the tortoise and more like an ant when I look at some of the figures of my counterparts on Twitter. How on earth do people find the time to compose over 1,000 tweets and have over a 1,000 followers? Did I mention some people have over 14,000 followers?
In her post Jaksch suggests three simple ways to build your blog and these can be applied to so many other areas of your work and life. Her strategies were simple and so easy to apply.
You can watch the video here: http://www.alistbloggingbootcamps.com/15583/strategy-hare-or-tortoise/
She suggests:
* Hares have a better press than the tortoise
* Tortoise takes a little longer to get there
* There are times when the tortoise approach is right such as when we are in a learning and growing mode, gathering knowledge, experience and building products and platforms
* Great news is that we can switch between the two at any time
Jaksch’s three approaches to applying the Hare Strategy
* To come at the starter gate at a blazing pace with a big launch of posts that will attract many
* She started writing three posts a week one for her blog and two as a guest blogger
* Wrote all of the blog posts for one month in one week. Hard work but got her into a writing flow?
When to use which approach?
* When you are in a busy phase in your life stick with the Tortoise Strategy
* If you want to push your blog apply the Hare Strategy
Jaksch’s final words – Just keep going.
There is no doubt I am a tortoise by nature but as Jaksch suggests, you can switch at anytime between the two. So sometimes I will speed ahead and have a burst of energy and get something out fast and furious. To be honest, when that happens it does feel good but then I also feel good returning to my natural flow of simple, slow and steady.
I may only have a small tribe of just over 300 followers on Twitter but I do feel their presence. I feel connected to my small tribe and I can see who is in my tribe. In her book Writing Past Dark, author Bonnie Friedman writes on the subject of envy, ‘whenever I feel envy I return to my work’. Whilst the subject of this post is not one of envy, entwined in its message is the desire to stay true to your work. Don’t get caught up in the numbers game and expectations of where we should be in the world and platform of social media. There seems to be so many connections with the dynamics of children in the playground and increasing numbers on social media platforms. Time and time again we are cajoled into building our membership so fast that we may lose the real connection and appreciation of the online journey in our haste to reach somewhere (that topic for another post).
So here’s my suggestion for today whether you’re racing ahead like the Hare or slowly moving along in Tortoise style, take a moment to reflect on these questions:
1. Take a moment to list what you are valuing about your online experience right now?
2. What has been a great moment in your blogging or tweeting during the last month?
3. What one moment made you smile about Facebook in the last seven days?
4. What do you most appreciate about your online community?
Let’s not forget it’s the journey not the destination, whether you are choosing right now to apply the Hare or the Tortoise approach make time to enjoy the ride whatever your pace.
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Monday, January 2nd, 2012
Last year, (I can’t believe it’s that time already), I received many beautiful presents from my family and loved ones. Despite all these wonderful gifts that had clearly been thought about, I couldn’t help but feel that one of the greatest gifts we can give to each other, including our coaching clients, is not only our time but also the gift of our presence.
In fact as in the training of coaches presence is by far one of the greatest influences on our connection and relationships with our clients. Without presence, made up of a number of qualities that coaches embrace and which become part of who a coach is (warmth, humility, rapport, wholeheartedness, compassion, creativity, honesty, openness, non-judgmental). Without these qualities we might as well say goodbye to coaching that has any chance of making a real difference or impact.
Without presence coaching just won’t have the impact and connection needed. What other qualities would you say contribute to a coach’s presence? When we feel someone’s presence it is indeed a gift. We receive something very special which allows the individual to move into a deeper connection and engagement with themselves. Often receiving and being in the space of another presence gives us permission to really be ourselves. To let down the masks and the defences we so often hold tightly in place in our roles and on our jobs.
Presence should not be overlooked in the development and growth of the coach. By far and beyond all coaching skills and techniques taught to coaches, presence in my book stands hands above the rest. To me it’s the root of a coaches foundation. Perhaps best expressed in a quote by therapist and author Irvin Yaloom who says in his book, Beyond Therapy, “technique is what we use until the therapist arrives.”
1. What gifts have you received through the presence of someone else’s presence?
2. How does your own presence show up in the world and in your interactions with others?
3. What would be different about your coaching if you shared more of your presence?
4. What do you think about the Yaloom quote? How far does technique get in the way of the coaching?
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