The Paradox Of No

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently I’ve been on the receiving end of lot’s of No’s and a stream of disappointment’s.

No I don’t have time be involved in the project you’ve invited me to be part of …….

No I can’t do this interview for your website ………

A close friend didn’t make it to my birthday party in May and it hurt.

Last year I had a fierce conference with the organizer of a conference I was part of. I wasn’t convinced that our conversation came from the heart. I left the conversation still feeling sludgy. Something just didn’t feel right. It felt like the professional veneer was in operation, a bit like,  ‘we need to have this conversation, but we are not really having the ‘real’ conversation.’  A reminder from Susan Scott author of Fierce Conversations who writes about the seven principles of Fierce Conversations which includes, ‘Come out from behind yoursself into the conversation and make it real.’ Obviously I had my part to play in our professional niceness.

Month’s later I found out that the same conference has a new international location with pretty much a repeat line up of the same presenters and I was not invited.

I’m guessing our conversation did not go so well.

Since the publication of my new book I sent out copies to a long list of respected colleagues and authors. Not one person sent back an email commenting on the book or it’s content.  The question is what do I make of the silence? What is the conversation or conversations I have in my head?

After several not going so well conversations in my head I plucked up the courage to ask one of those people who had been sent a copy of my book why they hadn’t responded. I was surprised by the feedback. In this person’s view unless I specifically asked for feedback they were under the conclusion that it wasn’t required or expected. Hey, it helps to check things out before jumping to conclusions.

This is one of the many reasons we protect ourselves from having that difficult conversation in the first place or going that extra mile, or taking that leap of faith. We’re afraid of rejection, of being refused or not hearing anything at all. It feels far too risky and scary. This is the icky stuff we avoid at all costs.

I see it all the time in organizations. People protect and fiercely defend themselves against any possibility of being made to feel vulnerable because they’re so afraid of feeling vulnerable, humiliated or even the slight amount of discomfort.

But on closer examination No’s are often in our favour .

Looking back I needed to have the conversation with the conference organizer. It was part of my learning curve, a part of me being assertive, of not swallowing my feelings, of having the courage to speak out and making a stand for how I felt I had been treated. It was better to have had the conversation even in the likelihood of the outcome than not to have had it at all.  The cost to my emotional and mental well-being had I not spoken out would have been to my detriment. A cost that is not always obviously visible, but can be silently depleting ad harmful.

In an organisational context Susan Scott reminds us in her Fierce Conversations Training that, ‘ it is the unreal and missing conversations that are costly – in terms of morale, engagement and performance.’ Read more about Fierce Conversations and the work of Susan Scott at http://www.fierceinc.com

Would it have been better to have not sent out all those books? No, I genuinely sent out books to teachers and writers whose work I love and respect as a gift. Once I returned and reconnected to my original intention of sharing my work without expectation my anxiety and angst about the silence evaporated. It was no longer an issue.

It made the way for me to clearly see how many people have come back to me from different places than the sources I was trying to push. You could say the minute I became unattached to acknowledgement from my peers, my tribe of readers who appreciated and validated the work appeared.

One could say that the No’s and silences have paved the way for a lot more Yes’s.

Since the experience of being on the receiving end of a string of No’s several things have happened.

I’ve treasured and deepened my appreciation of my own work and writing

I’ve gathered a range of connections and ideas for workshops and retreats based on the books content which I am really excited about

I’ve become more aware of my personal impact and how my own presence and power can sometimes not be perceived in the best light.

I’ve accepted that the international conference was not to be a part of my journey and that I could let it go. As soon as I did this so many new writing opportunities and events presented themselves.

I showered myself with compassion and forgave myself for how hard I am on myself. I made re-committed to walking my talk.

I was reminded to go where the energy feels right and where I’m wanted. How often do we waste our good energy and time trying to make other people like us or squeezing ourselves into places and events that are clearly not the right fit.?

Easier said than done when working in an organization and that person just happens to be your boss.

We worry and get anxious that these difficult and sticky conversations will be held against us.

And sometimes they are (but we can manage how we respond and live through these times) and sometimes they’re not.

But we can find a way through when they are….

It helps when thought leaders like Brene Brown words express exactly what we feel. Her research on vulnerability expresses many of the complex emotions that exist in the different layers of our daily interactions and rejections of each other which vulnerability is made up of,

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” Check out her website at http://wwwbrenebrown.com

Then there’s the other end of the spectrum.

Recently I had the most gorgeous conversation with someone who said No to a work proposal but said it with compassion, who took time out to make an appointment to speak with me. Who made notes and observations about what worked about what I was presenting and what was missing.  It felt clean, clear and felt like our conversation had no load.

I bounced out of her office feeling like I had been given a gift. Evidence that No’s can be said gracefully and leave the other person feeling energized and inspired.

I often say to writers, that for every ‘No’ they receive from a publisher means they are getting closer to a Yes.  You’re getting closer to that publishing company who has your name on it.

Oh did I not mention that in the last month I’ve also had an avalanche of Yes’s and requests all from unexpected places and sources. They’ve been coming out of the woodwork hard and fast. And they’re all on point. Interested in my work, interested in me, and the energy feels way, way different.

I know that when we trust the process no matter how hard we push if we just relax our grip the right doors open.